As I walk on this journey with the Wild Goose, I find myself vacillating between two chasms. One of truth and trust and the other of fear,doubt and ultimately a desire to control.
I find there is no in between! The verse, “thou can’t serve two masters” comes to mind. The choice is ours to make! I can believe that “God is good ALL THE TIME” and that I can trust Him with my heart/life or I can take control and “protect” my heart from a God I am not quite sure about. The transition from one state to the other seems to be seamless! “Lord, how can it be so easy for me to “lose heart” and want to take control “because I don’t really trust you?” “Why am I so tossed about and double-minded?”
Thankfully, I find myself more and more aware of this inward “transition” from trust to fear. I am “on to” my wrong thinking and confused heart! I am becoming wise to the lies my heart has believed and the “arrows” the evil one has pierced me with!
When the fear and doubt take hold or cast their tempting shadow over me, I am more quick to repent and turn back to God and trust His goodness and love for me… re-affirming to my heart that I can trust Him with my life, hopes, dreams and desires of the heart. I let His “Perfect love cast out my fear”! Thankfully, it is usually no more than a few minutes before I realize whats going on and turn back to Him.
Relationship is built on trust! Any deep meaningful relationship will either live or die based on trust. If we can’t trust, there is no real relating but only posing and shadow dancing. A pushing and pulling of give and take is all we will have if real trust is absent.
I am an open and honest, straight-forward person. This is who I am and I refuse to be anything else! But, I have found the “halls of honest living” to be scary and lonely at best! My experiences had left me wounded and cynical, afraid to really trust anyone. Over the last six years of trials, satan’s lie that God could not be trusted pierced my heart…. and with that… hope was lost. When the “truths” you have been living by get questioned in your own heart….well,.. then…. “Houston,,, we have a big problem”!
What I have learned on the “other side” of this lie is that Gods word is true.. He really does “work all things together for our good”. What satan meant for my harm and distruction, God used for my healing and perfecting in Christ! Wow! God is so good and great! He is so loving, patient, merciful and His grace is sufficient to cover my sin.
So, here is what I have come to realize….In my heart…. that to truly live the abundant, powerful and fruitful life that I hear about and read in the Holy Scriptures, the life that Christ promises those who dare to follow and lay down their lives… I must invite Him to heal my heart and renew my mind and then abide in His love, trusting… always.. that He is good and can be trusted with my heart and life. It makes sense.. we can’t abide in someones love if we don’t really, truly trust them at the heart level. A mental assent to this does not cut it! “even the demons believe and tremble”. In considering this, look at Jesus’ ministry. Who did he rail against? It was the religious leaders who were into the mental assent and the outward appearance. Jesus was and still is all about the heart! “Oh Lord, help me to live and abide in your perfect love no matter what comes my way.” Amen
